


please stay with me

by doggo_fiends_on_a_spaceship



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (eventually) - Freeform, Canon Divergent, Cat eyes, Communication, Episode: s02e07 How Are Thou Fallen, Insecure Alec, Insecure Magnus, Insecurity, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Smut, Post-Episode: s02e07 How Are Thou Fallen, Vulnerable Magnus Bane, alec sometimes doesn't LISTEN, but it could be triggering so watch out, but when he finally gets a fucking clue he's a Good Boyfriend, combine all my favorite tidbits, first 'i love you's, read to the end, there's a moment of extremely dubious consent but it doesn't go anywhere, written at 3 am forgive me, yes this is about the sex step thing they did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doggo_fiends_on_a_spaceship/pseuds/doggo_fiends_on_a_spaceship
Summary: this is kind of all over the place sorryi am @doggo-fiends-on-a-spaceship on tumblr if you wanna hit me up or scream at me or whatever





	please stay with me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [that specific snake in my back garden that listens to me talk sometimes](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=that+specific+snake+in+my+back+garden+that+listens+to+me+talk+sometimes).



> this is kind of all over the place sorry
> 
>  
> 
> i am @doggo-fiends-on-a-spaceship on tumblr if you wanna hit me up or scream at me or whatever

 

 

 

“Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I _want this,_ ” Alec said with conviction, and then his lips were on Magnus’s again. Magnus couldn’t help but kiss back, breathless. His head was spinning, he felt like he was being pulled in too many directions.

He was being backed up, towards the bedroom. They were still kissing, Alec guiding him backwards. And they burst through the bedroom door, and Magnus was trying to catch his breath, trying to get his head together and wrangle his scattered thoughts.

Alec broke away for a moment to close the door behind them, gently pushing Magnus to the bed, so that he was on his back. He leaned down to catch Magnus’s lips again, fingers playing with the buttons of his shirt.

Magnus turned his head away, curling in on himself slightly and blocking the kiss.

Alec pulled away slightly. Magnus could still feel Alec’s warm breath on his neck. In other circumstances, he would’ve enjoyed this. He would’ve loved Alec’s hands gently exploring his body, his lips claiming Magnus’s. But he wasn’t _ready._ Not for this much.

“A-Alec,” he gasped, pushing him away. “I– stop.”

Alec frowned at him, rolling off of him to his side. “What is it?” he asked, a little harsher than he meant to.

Magnus nearly flinched at his tone, but held back. “I– I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have let it get that far. Alec, I’m not ready. _We_ ’ _re_ not ready.”

Alec’s brows furrowed and his frown grew deeper. “Magnus, it’s _okay._ I want this.”

Magnus bit his lip. “…I don’t. Not right now.”

Alec inhaled sharply. Despite himself, his insecurities were eating at him again. _You’re_ not ready, Magnus meant. But Alec _was._ He wasn’t a little kid, he wasn’t a naive, blushing virgin. He _wanted_ to be with Magnus, not just because he was truly ready to have sex, but because it was _Magnus_ and Alec wanted to be close to him in a way he’d never been with anyone.

_You’re so… innocent._

That’s what Magnus had said. Well, Alec _wasn’t_ innocent. Maybe he hadn’t lived a few centuries or had 17,000 experiences, but he was far from innocent. He was _ready for this._

“Alec,” Magnus said softly, hand reaching out to brush his cheek. Alec was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t notice how his hand trembled slightly. “You don’t have anything to worry about, okay?”

Magnus was lost in his own thoughts. What if Alec left? What if Alec was angry? What if Alec just wanted to get rid of his virginity, and Magnus had nothing to do with it at all?

He didn’t want to lose Alec. He didn’t want to lose the beautiful thing they were building together.

All these thoughts were whirling about his head, and it really didn’t help when Alec finally responded to his words. His expression shut down, his voice gained a certain chill.

Alec was so tired of Magnus treating him like a _child._ He _was_ ready, and he knew that Magnus was more experienced, but that didn’t mean he always knew what was Alec was thinking. It didn’t mean he always knew best.

“I’m _not,_ ” he spat, frustrated.

“Alexander,” Magnus said helplessly.

Alec sat up too fast, practically leaping out of the bed and wrenching on his jacket.

“ _Alec,_ ” Magnus pleaded. Alec was too upset, angry and frustrated, to really hear the tone of his voice.

Magnus, had Alec been paying attention, sounded like he was about to cry.

“I need some air,” Alec said angrily, opening the door a little violently. He left the apartment, trying to take deep breaths. He was so fucking _frustrated._

As much as he lov– cared about Magnus, loved spending time with him, he hated being treated like a child. He knew that wasn’t what Magnus was trying to do, that Magnus had always respected him, but he couldn’t help but think it.

He felt… insecure. Magnus was this wonderful, gorgeous, amazing man. He was funny and powerful and sweet and _too good for Alec._ And Alec _was_ young, inexperienced– especially compared to him.

And sometimes it felt like everyone knew it. Even Magnus.

Which was ridiculous, because Magnus had never been anything but good to him. He’d never belittled Alec, even when it felt like it. Even now, Magnus was trying to help. And maybe he was even right. Maybe it wasn’t the right time.

But Alec was _ready._ He’d never felt like this for anyone before. Even Jace, he’d never looked at him and really had a solid thought of _I want to have sex with him._ He’d only attempted to think deeply on it once or twice, and it had only ever made him uncomfortable.

But with Magnus… imagining kissing down his neck, exploring his body… Imagining being intimate with Magnus… Alec _wanted_ that. He really did.

He sighed. He just couldn’t deal with this tonight. He’d apologize for leaving so suddenly tomorrow, but for now, he just wanted to sleep.

They’d already had a date planned tomorrow, anyway. Alec could talk to Magnus then.

He walked home, already planning how to avoid his siblings when he got to the Institute.

And as tired and upset as he was, he didn’t _really_ think about how he’d left Magnus alone on his bed, disheveled, half-dressed and about to cry.

And across the city, in his apartment, Magnus closed his eyes and left the tears spill over.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

 

Alec did return the next day, knocking nervously on Magnus’s door.

Magnus answered almost right away, looking tired and holding a martin glass. When he saw Alec, his eyes went wide. “Alec!” he said, sounding startled. “C-come in.”

It was odd. He almost looked… nervous.

Alec entered, brushing past Magnus with a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Alec started, running a hand through his hair. “For leaving so suddenly last night. And snapping.”

Magnus sat gracefully on the couch, gesturing for Alec to sit next to him.

Alec sat, feeling a bit awkward.

He _was_ sorry. Even though he still felt the same, he still hated feeling like Magnus was treating him like a kid, he knew that he should’ve stayed. Magnus had probably been worried.

“It’s alright,” Magnus said, not quite meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry, too.” He took a cautious sip of his martini, watching Alec from behind his brown lashes.

He didn’t make any more moves to talk. It felt awkward, the air in the room charged with tension.

“Can we just– can we do what we were going to do?” Alec asked helplessly. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to be able to cuddle with his boyfriend again, watch a stupid movie and laugh and _forget all about last night._

“Takeout and a movie?” Magnus asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Alec said. “We could order from your favorite Ethiopian place?”

“That sounds… nice,” Magnus said softly.

It was awkward at first, but soon enough, Alec began to feel like it was going to be okay. They ordered their food, chose a movie, and sat on the couch together. They got a little closer as the movie continued, and eventually, most of the tension seemed to dissipate.

They were both more comfortable now, a movie playing on the TV, food finished and cuddled close together. Magnus was curled into his side, Alec’s arm draped loosely over his shoulders.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

 

Once the movie was over, they ended up moving to the bedroom. Alec had slept at Magnus’s place before, usually after one of them had a long day. So Alec hadn’t thought anything of it.

Until Magnus had straddled his hips and kissed him passionately. Alec kissed back immediately, arms winding around his waist and keeping Magnus steady.

“Stop me if you don’t want this,” Magnus breathed against his lips. Alec kissed him again, a giddy feeling building in his chest. Magnus was so _close,_ so warm and solid and touchable.

Magnus only deepened the kiss, slowly leaning forward to lay Alec back on the bed.

He was moving fairly fast, hands skating up Alec’s sides, lips firm against his. Alec gave a surprised moan, letting himself enjoy the feeling for a moment.

Alec wondered if he should be doing something other than _this–_ holding on to Magnus for dear life, responding to his touch. Should he put his hands somewhere, do something-?

Magnus began to very lightly kiss down his neck, lips brushing against his skin, making him shiver.

His deft fingers plucked at the buttons of Alec’s shirt, but– he was having trouble. Alec glanced down and frowned.

Magnus’s hands were shaking.

Suddenly, a chill rushed through Alec’s blood. Something was wrong.

Magnus was moving a little stiffly, his kisses hesitant and unsure. His face… when Alec could see his expression, he didn’t look how Alec felt– had felt. He didn’t look blissful and happy and relaxed.

He looked tense. Almost uncomfortable.

His hands were shaking.

And he’s having a hard time registering this (thinking past the wonderful heat of Magnus’s body pressed close to his, his soft, perfect lips mouthing at Alec’s neck-) and Magnus had been so adamant yesterday about them not being ready. Alec not being ready.

Had Alec changed his mind?

He felt horrible for not _thinking about this sooner._

Magnus is still fumbling with his buttons, having undone a few but still struggling slightly. His hands are shaking a little harder. He’s pulled away from kissing Alec’s neck, and he looks like he’s about to just magic Alec’s shirt off when Alec slides his arms from around Magnus’s waist so he can cup Magnus’s hands between his.

As much as Alec wants this, wants Magnus, he never wants to see his boyfriend look so uncomfortable again, especially because of him. Alec has an awful feeling about this.

“Stop,” he said softly, sitting up.

Magnus does, and the way he exhales seems almost like relief. But there’s a glint of _fear_ in the sudden set of his shoulders as he shifts back so Alec can sit up all the way, looking down at their now clasped hands.

He slipped one hand away from Magnus’s– the other giving a squeeze in reassurance– to cup his cheek gently. “Magnus…”

Magnus didn’t look at him.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked, as gently as he could.

“I thought… I though you weren’t coming back,” Magnus said quietly. “Last night.” He still avoided Alec’s eyes.

Alec blinked in surprise, thumb brushing over Magnus’s cheekbone in a repetitive, reassuring motion. Magnus leaned into the touch slightly. “I’ll always come back,” he said softly.

“I… I told you. I don’t want to _lose_ you,” Magnus said, and his voice broke slightly. “I… this is what you wanted,” he said helplessly. “I thought…”

He sounded small. Fragile.

An awful, horrible feeling of realization was beginning to dawn on Alec.

“Are you staying?” Magnus asked, hesitant and almost _afraid._ Magnus looked so fucking vulnerable, so afraid of rejection.

Alec looked at the man in his lap, heart breaking. His wide, dark brown eyes, his slightly reddened lips, his disheveled hair and partially unbuttoned shirt. He was beautiful, but he looked _small_ in a way he never did. It was a stark reminder of last night, and Alec could practically feel his heart sinking to his feet.

“Of _course_ I am,” Alec breathed, looking straight into his eyes. Magnus blinked away a few tears.

Alec swept him into a tight hug, closing his eyes. Magnus was stiff and tense in his arms, unsure of what to do. Alec pressed a kiss to his forehead, hand rubbing up and down his back soothingly.

Magnus made a choked sound and practically _melted_ against him, arms slipping around Alec’s waist to cling closer to him.

Despite the warm feeling in his chest at having Magnus so close and intimate, so trusting in his embrace, Alec could still feel the cold horror chilling his veins.

The thought of Magnus forcing himself to have sex with Alec, just so Alec wouldn’t leave him, the thought of Magnus really thinking Alec would value his gorgeous body over _him._ As if Magnus wasn’t so much more than that.

And the thought of what had just happened, what Magnus had just done… He’d been uncomfortable and afraid, doing something he wasn’t ready for, all for the fear of losing him…

Alec internally berated himself for not listening earlier. He’d been so caught up in his own insecurities, he hadn’t listening to what Magnus was _really saying:_ “I’m not ready, I feel vulnerable, I don’t _want this._ ”

It had never been about Alec, it had been about _Magnus._ Magnus wasn’t ready, he _knew_ he wasn’t ready. He’d never tried to pin that on Alec. But Alec had been deaf and _stupid._

He wanted to wrap his arms around Magnus and never let go, just hold him close and keep him safe from the world forever.

“I'm... I'm _so_ sorry. You don’t _ever_ have to do anything you don’t want to,” Alec said against his skin. “Especially not for me.” His voice was fierce and passionate with conviction, cracked from heartbreak.

Magnus seemed to cling a little tighter. “I just don’t want to lose you,” he whispered, echoing himself, sounding like he’s about to cry.

Alec wants to cry himself, holding Magnus’s trembling body close. They were both in states of undress and dishevelment, but it was completely ignored in favor of holding each other close.

“You’ll never lose me,” Alec promised. “I didn’t– I _never_ wanted to push you into something you didn’t want. I just got– caught up in my own head, I was being stupid and I thought this was my fault, that I had to be… be _better,_ but I was just being– being absolutely _stupid._ ”

Magnus’s fingers clutched at his back slightly, almost in warning. “You’re not stupid,” Magnus said quietly. “And you have always been more than enough.”

“But I _was_ stupid,” Alec said, voice raising slightly in anger at himself. “I love you, and even if I’m ready for this, you _weren’t._ And I– I made you think…”

Magnus finally raised his head to look at Alec again, slightly pulling away from their closely tangled embrace. His eyes were wide and surprised and why–?

_I love you._

Alec had said the words. _I love you._

He did. He loved Magnus more than anything. But he’d never– they’d never….

Alec stumbled slightly over his words, but continued on as if Magnus wasn’t staring at him like he was the moon and the stars.

“And, even– even if I’m ready to have sex, you’re not. And that’s okay. I’ve waited over twenty years, I can wait longer. Hell, if you’re _never_ ready, that’s okay. I would never leave you or try to find someone else. I– I love you _so much,_ Magnus.”

He’d finally finished his rant and he closed his mouth, breathless and anticipating Magnus’s reaction.

Magnus’s lips were parted slightly, and his dark brown eyes were flickering as if he was losing control of his glamour.

“I– I love you, too.” he said, a tone of awe tinging his voice. Like he couldn’t believe he was this lucky.

He leaned forward hesitantly, as if he wanted to kiss Alec but wasn’t sure he could.

Alec met him halfway, kissing him softly. It was gentle and sweet– nothing that would lead to more, just a chaste, affectionate display of love.

When they finally pulled away, Magnus grinned sheepishly. “Don’t worry,” he joked, “I’ll definitely be ready at some point.” He winked, one hand sliding over Alec’s ass just for a moment.

Alec laughed. Magnus’s eyes were bright golden now, slitted pupils following Alec’s expressions.

Alec couldn’t help but smile widely. Magnus’s true eyes were always beautiful.

His brown ones were very pretty, too, but there was something about just seeing _Magnus,_ all of him, that was very appealing to Alec. Magnus’s eyes and what they represented were an important part of him, and Alec loved seeing all his different sides.

He didn’t just love one part of Magnus, or just the pretty parts. He didn’t love him in spite of his heritage or the darkness on the edges of his soul. He loved _all_ of Magnus.

There was also, of course, the fact that his true eyes were simply attractive. They suited him.

Beautiful eyes for a beautiful man.

Alec slipped a hand up to cup Magnus’s cheek, then upwards so that his thumb brushed gently against the soft skin under Magnus’s eye. He looked deep into Magnus’s cat eyes, smile never fading, and said again, firmly and with sincerity in his voice, “I love you.”

Now that he’d said it once, it was hard to stop.

Magnus seemed to realize what was going on, his eyes widening. His eyes instinctively flew shut, head turning away. “I love you, too,” he said, but he refused to open his eyes.

Alec’s thumb brushed under his eye again. “You don’t have to hide with me,” Alec told him softly. “If you want to keep your glamour on, that’s okay. That’s your choice. But you don’t have to.”

He hesitated for a moment, before adding softly, “I think they’re beautiful, Magnus.”

Magnus very cautiously opened his eyes, ducking his head almost shyly.

After a long moment, he met Alec’s eyes.

Stunning gold met warm hazel, and then lips met lips.

Alec’s hand eventually slid back down, arms looping around Magnus’s hips loosely.

Magnus felt more vulnerable than he ever had before, but he also felt unbelievably _safe._ In Alec’s arms, nothing could hurt him. Alec wouldn’t let anything.

Alec _loved him._

They kissed for a while, happy to lose themselves in each other, whispering sweet nothings and ‘ _I love you’s_ to each other. Eventually, they lay back together, side by side and facing each other, hands entwined.

Magnus turned the lights off with a snap of his fingers, and they talked a little more, about everything and nothing, about important things and… not-important-things. Until eventually, they fell asleep like that, curled close together and content.

Neither of them had ever been happier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> unedited, written while Sleep Deprived and dogged relentlessly by an idea, and probably going to be regretted later  
> i might come back and edit this and make sure it makes sense at some point, once i've attained the elusive Sleep, but idk


End file.
